Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s