@cassaleigh_: Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
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@finah: this little girl next door just opened her window and yelled “what’s 49 plus 13?” so i yelled back 62 and she said thank you god
@david8hughes: [egg store] Me: what kinda eggs are these? Clerk: chicken eggs Me: u got dog eggs? Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
@ThatMummyLife: [police chasing man on foot] Police: STOP RIGHT THERE! Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore. Police: *grinning* sounds like you need... arrest.
@TuSoonShakur: HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy! UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo