Are we there yet?…
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!
[Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.