That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Every. Damn. Time.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.