No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The Assassin.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.