@FuckabillyRex

Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.

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@DaveAmiott

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

@carterhambley

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

@eminmien

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

@Snarfernini

This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.

@RightOJack

My GF spent $49 on a haircut. Had she gone to Petsmart she’d have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana as well.

@OctopusCaveman

If children are the future, we’re doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It’s a nightmare.

@AudreyPorne

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

@Quartzjixler

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.