Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.

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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…


Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?


subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog


You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.


This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.


My GF spent $49 on a haircut. Had she gone to Petsmart she’d have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana as well.


If children are the future, we’re doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It’s a nightmare.


spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower


My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.


Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.