Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.


alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?


Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.


Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.


Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.


Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.


[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]


Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”


[we put our clothes back on]


When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids