@Ristolable

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

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@ObscureGent

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

@iamspacegirl

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

@Roxtalled

Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.

@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@EndhooS

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@Fred_Delicious

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

@GrantTanaka

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

@Jenn_H_Scott

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids