Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Teach your children to beatbox