Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
True
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana