@adamgreattweet

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

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@ashmensch

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@WheelTod

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

@VenusRockHobbit

If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.

@blade_funner

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@Pro_Jones_

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@McGrumpenstein

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.