Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
File under excellent bookstore names.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.