Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
You Might Also Like
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose