Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
blocked.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
No. He’s not coming out to play
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!