@BardockObama

Someone just snap chatted me this lmao

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@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

@SickChristine

Someone told me I should start my day with ‘I get to’ instead of ‘I have to’ and now I get to hate that person with the intensity of a thousand suns.

@darksidedeb

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

@Merman_Melville

Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.

@abuya_henry

8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

@david8hughes

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

@sadmemes

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

@amishschool

Thirty days sober folks.

Not consecutively, but here and there over the years.

I’m estimating.

@maisonshouting

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed