@BardockObama

Someone just snap chatted me this lmao

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@2Saddington

Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them

@MrsMikePatton

My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

@ObscureGent

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

@Kauaibride

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

@tweetsbyrocket

[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what’s for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch

@sannewman

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

@dmc1138

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

@atanenhaus

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?