Someone just snap chatted me this lmao

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Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them


My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?


5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv


*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.


so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.


[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what’s for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch


Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.


I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.


Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?