Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
You Might Also Like
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
In banana years, I am bread.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal