Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

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Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.


Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.


Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.


Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.


Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch


I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.


I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.


A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.