Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
guys I’m going home
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄