Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Executioner: any last words?
Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.