Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Liquor Store Parking
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
welp
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot