@yoopnative I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.
*more than twice.
@Contwixt Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
You Might Also Like
@yoopnative 
@JustMeTurtle OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
@Tharin_P The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
@kumailn For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.
@psybermonkey Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
@sarcasm_inc *at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I’D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER
@Thynebear Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
@KentWGraham My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
@Lanecat2 My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
@__iCE_CREAM__ Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it