Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.


Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69


[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]


Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while


If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.


Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*


imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in




*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!


Me running away: Renewed!


Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.