Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“How’s your day going?”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*