@Contwixt

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

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@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

@JustMeTurtle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@Tharin_P

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

@kumailn

For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.

@psybermonkey

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

@sarcasm_inc

*at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I’D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER

@Thynebear

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

@KentWGraham

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@__iCE_CREAM__

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it