HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
You Might Also Like
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.