Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Everything reminds me of my ex
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?