I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.