@markhoppus

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

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@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

@ahamedweinberg

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

@DepressedDarth

All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

@bingowings14

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@Michael_Erhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

@Robert_Beau

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

@215potter

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?