Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?