Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.