@pauleggleston

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

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@Travon

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

@XplodingUnicorn

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

@lotusflowerom

Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.

@mollzbenn

Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.

@AbleLikes

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.