@pauleggleston

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

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@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.

@rpbateman

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

@PetrickSara

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

@Kryzazy

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@Jandalize

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@bobvulfov

if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”