Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.
Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.