Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”