-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.

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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol


Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.


“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family


After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.


My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.


Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”


if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”