had to make it
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.