@tesselatrix

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

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@diaruba74

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

@JohnFugelsang

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

@WheelTod

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

@BasicLyes

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

@notmythirdrodeo

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

@NurseMurderer

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

@mdob11

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

@pissrifle

good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones

@iMonkGreen

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@dubstep4dads

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]