Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.


People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.


[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar


Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.


new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel


I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.


Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.


good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


[using ouija board]
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]