Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
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my dog when i have a friend over
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes