[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
there’s probably a fee though
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I thought this was funny lol
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.