Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
best review i’ve ever seen
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.