@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

You Might Also Like

@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

@JohnLyonTweets

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

@Rollmaninoz

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

@Cheeseboy22

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

@EndhooS

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

@Fred_Delicious

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@minfiliawarde

me: hi
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day

@david8hughes

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”