[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard