“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.