Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”

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Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.


I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.


Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”


Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire


Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Death otter
Revenge Possum


[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds πŸ˜‰

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?


When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.


wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what


If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.


goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical