@Yurt

Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”

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@EmissaryKerry

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

@wizdom

Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

@ScottLinnen

Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire

@lawbsterfest

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

@girlnarly

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds πŸ˜‰

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

@GrantTanaka

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

@TweetPotato314

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical