*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”