@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

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@Tommytoughstuff

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@TweetPotato314

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

@WhrTheBrainRots

If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

@Sophie2078

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

@GoodZiIIa

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

@TheCiscoKidder

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.