Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
(Jupiter –
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?