It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
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The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over