Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick