“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.