Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.