Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”