Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”