@saintmikayla

someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah

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@stevevsninjas

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

@climaxximus

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

@RickAaron

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

@ryanqnorth

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

@itsrealTED

“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.

@Amusitr0n

You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful

Me: Ham sanitizer

@Darlainky

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

@ThaJawn

Batman: I told you, if it’s mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..

Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes

@tsm560

She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset