@joeheenan

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

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@lazerdoov

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

@ChicksRule

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

@brianbowman73

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

@markleggett

AROMATHERAPY CONNUDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing?

@FuniBob

[being murdered]

Me: *trying to punch back* Why are there so many birds?

@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@rockymomax

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

@NYC_Blonde

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

@Fred_Delicious

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]