Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud


*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No


mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.


Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.


Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.


“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues


Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth


Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree



ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*