Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me too door. Me too.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.