All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I have a type: disappointing
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???