Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
San Francisco has too many rules
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.