@SnarkyMommy78

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

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@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, do you like princesses?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”

“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”

@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

@iwearaonesie

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*

@TheAndrewNadeau

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

@ranndrew

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@huntigula

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really