“Daddy, do you like princesses?”
“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”
Wife: “Shut it.”
“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You Might Also Like
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
You used to call me on my spell phone
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Her: We really need to do something about global warming
Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really