Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

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Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.


Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…


The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.


For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.


WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*


When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.


FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that


Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.


that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute


You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”