Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie