@NinjaFuneral

Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…

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@KarenReneK

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@mamapjs1

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@Dawn_M_

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

@robdelaney

Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.

@EJGomez

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

@Ygrene

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild