Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me trying to walk in a dream
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.