Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…
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Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
all pans are no-stick pans if you no-cook in them.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild