I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I laughed at this way too hard.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”