Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
You Might Also Like
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
mom gave me mine for free
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it