Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.