someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
when you order from DoorDastardly
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.