someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
You Might Also Like
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Lol.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?