servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it