Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
You Might Also Like
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
#FunnyLife Insects
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄